My last post was on the 10th. The last day I ate well and paid any attention to my points for good behavior was the 13th. I've been binging since then. And not brushing my teeth after lunch, or flossing at all. I've gained back six pounds and feel like I'm at true maximum capacity for flesh on this body.
My plan now is to get really serious and stop messing around and go back to my original "100 days of fitness" plan that I did last winter where I lost 15 pounds.
Regular well balanced 400 calorie breakfast. (Last year it was cereal everyday, but this time I think I'll switch it up with eggs and veggies. I got sick of cereal after the first month.)
Regular well balanced lunch served on top of a large bed of salad greens. Vegetable served raw and usually a few hours later as a snack. Sometimes with a dip made from herbs and garlic mixed in with a little yogurt set aside from breakfast.
Soup for supper. Between 100 and 300 calories of soup. Plus a serving of steamed veggies. Optional added whole grain (if soup is 200 calories or less.) Optional added protein (if soup is 100 calories or less) Soup is assumed to have needed fat calories.
Dessert is one piece of fruit. Last year it was a grapefruit every night, because it takes a while to eat and is so satisfying. But I got sick of that too after a month or so. This time I'm going to alternate with pomegranate.
That's only 1300 calories a day, sometimes less...depending on the supper. But, because of the bulk (salad and soup), and the timing (spaced evenly) I never did feel hungry. I felt "bingey" but not hungry. What does one do about feeling bingey? Just don't give in, I guess.
My real downfall isn't solo splurging...it's social events. I eat too much and not the right things at get-togethers, and then later at home...after I feel I've ruined my plan, I freak out on cookies and ice-cream.
There are exactly 70 days left between today and the first of the year...counting those two days.
Sticking to this plan for two months...which feels do-able if I refuse food oriented invitations...how much of my extra weight could I lose? 22 would make me happy. Back to 154 is like the holy grail of weight loss to me...it's the size I'd be able to fit back into my suits at.
70/22=3.18
I'd have to lose a pound every 3.18 days. That's a little less than 2 a week. I think I could do it.
The trick is to boycott all social food things. Or, if I go to them, just don't eat at them. Have sparkling water, and lemon, and herbal tea instead. If absolutely necessary, have my own food that I bring: celery and other raw veggies, soup, etc.
2 months. For myself.
I also need to run 3 miles every day. Well, I can take a break once in a while. Once or twice a week, I guess. I should do an hour yoga class for every 3 mile run I miss. I think that would work out.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Book plan, meal plan
Yesterday I'm sure I would have felt really depressed, except that it was the weekend and Sweetie was home with me all day. I was so lethargic. If it had been a weekday I would have forced myself to try and be productive, and been miserable. Or, I would have gone to bed for the day at 10 am, and felt guilty. Or who knows, maybe I would have felt great and had a wonderful day.
We went out to a Teriaki restaurant for supper. I had a big bowl of clear broth with steamed mixed veggies, chicken and clear rice noodles. It was delicious, and I figured it was probably just about what my food plan called for. I also had a glass of white wine, which didn't seem like too much of a splurge. I calculated it at 100 calories, and counted it as a carb. So, I felt like I was on track.
But this morning, I'm back up to 171...from 169.5 that I weighed after my jog yesterday. I know to expect some fluctuations up and down, but it's disheartening. I hope it goes back down today. Though, I guess I'm still moving forward according to my original plan. I'm not supposed to hit 169 for another week. I was losing weight faster than my program predicted. I guess it's all averaging out.
When I hit 164 I lose 100 calories from my daily allotment. I wonder if I will notice that much?
I've been thinking about what I've been writing. Most of it, if not all of it, is just a bunch of self-indulgent pap.
What would I need to focus on writing about if this was really going to be a book worth reading?
Well, I probably would want to talk some about the emotional journey, and for that the random musings will come in handy.
But, more topically, I would want to address each of the "compliance" points I give myself.
Why eat food.
Why eat not too much.
Why eat mostly plants, and a certain balance of calories.
Why put on exercise clothes?
Why run or cardio?
Why yoga?
Why herbal tea?
Why water with lemon?
Why plain water?
Why get up early?
Why go to bed early?
Why get enough sleep?
Why floss teeth?
Why brush after every meal?
Why wear sunblock and wash it off?
I think each of those topics could make a good short chapter, if I found a good story to put into it, and explained my thinking about why it is good for a person's health and might make a person happier.
But first, I would need to discuss the whole problem of happiness:
Desire is not the sign post which leads to the path of happiness.
Dali Lama says expand capacity.
Constitution protects our right to pursue it.
And then, the problem of health.
What constitutes good health?
Are there degrees of health, or only degrees of distance from it?
What is the point of being healthy? (healthier?)
Explaining the idea and process behind this experiment.
Also, explaining the reasoning and formula behind the happiness scores.
And finally, some sample meals.
Oh, and some discussion of will-power vs. other ways of getting things to happen.
Here's what I've been eating the last few days:
Breakfast:
Low fat cottage cheese served with cantaloupe.
Cheddar cheese sliced atop rice cakes
Lunch:
Sausage in tomato sauce with millet served over salad greens
Raw sliced jicama and red peppers
Supper:
Blended cauliflower soup with chunky potatoes seasoned with olive oil and spices, topped with crumbled bacon.
Snack:
more soup.
Breakfast:
Fat-free plain yogurt topped with almonds.
Smashed banana spread on rice cakes, sprinkled with cinnamon, ginger and cayenne
Lunch:
Saucy meatballs made with ground turkey, egg, oats and spices in a broth of tomato paste, olive oil and garlic.
Salad greens with mixed raw veggies, lemon and salt.
Supper:
Tomato sauces from a jar, mixed with fake ground meat onions and frozen spinach, served over whole wheat linguini, sprinkled with nutritional yeast.
Steamed broccoli
Snack:
Grapefruit
Breakfast:
2 fried eggs cooked in a pat of butter
small bowl of oatmeal with dollop of yogurt, cinnamon and ginger
fresh grapes
Lunch:
Butternut nut squash soup with canned tuna and barley, salt and pepper.
Green salad with raspberry dressing
Supper:
Sliced smoked turkey and fat free feta cheese sauteed with zuchini, tomatoes and onions, served over a bed of brown rice.
Snack:
Cantaloupe
We went out to a Teriaki restaurant for supper. I had a big bowl of clear broth with steamed mixed veggies, chicken and clear rice noodles. It was delicious, and I figured it was probably just about what my food plan called for. I also had a glass of white wine, which didn't seem like too much of a splurge. I calculated it at 100 calories, and counted it as a carb. So, I felt like I was on track.
But this morning, I'm back up to 171...from 169.5 that I weighed after my jog yesterday. I know to expect some fluctuations up and down, but it's disheartening. I hope it goes back down today. Though, I guess I'm still moving forward according to my original plan. I'm not supposed to hit 169 for another week. I was losing weight faster than my program predicted. I guess it's all averaging out.
When I hit 164 I lose 100 calories from my daily allotment. I wonder if I will notice that much?
I've been thinking about what I've been writing. Most of it, if not all of it, is just a bunch of self-indulgent pap.
What would I need to focus on writing about if this was really going to be a book worth reading?
Well, I probably would want to talk some about the emotional journey, and for that the random musings will come in handy.
But, more topically, I would want to address each of the "compliance" points I give myself.
Why eat food.
Why eat not too much.
Why eat mostly plants, and a certain balance of calories.
Why put on exercise clothes?
Why run or cardio?
Why yoga?
Why herbal tea?
Why water with lemon?
Why plain water?
Why get up early?
Why go to bed early?
Why get enough sleep?
Why floss teeth?
Why brush after every meal?
Why wear sunblock and wash it off?
I think each of those topics could make a good short chapter, if I found a good story to put into it, and explained my thinking about why it is good for a person's health and might make a person happier.
But first, I would need to discuss the whole problem of happiness:
Desire is not the sign post which leads to the path of happiness.
Dali Lama says expand capacity.
Constitution protects our right to pursue it.
And then, the problem of health.
What constitutes good health?
Are there degrees of health, or only degrees of distance from it?
What is the point of being healthy? (healthier?)
Explaining the idea and process behind this experiment.
Also, explaining the reasoning and formula behind the happiness scores.
And finally, some sample meals.
Oh, and some discussion of will-power vs. other ways of getting things to happen.
Here's what I've been eating the last few days:
Breakfast:
Low fat cottage cheese served with cantaloupe.
Cheddar cheese sliced atop rice cakes
Lunch:
Sausage in tomato sauce with millet served over salad greens
Raw sliced jicama and red peppers
Supper:
Blended cauliflower soup with chunky potatoes seasoned with olive oil and spices, topped with crumbled bacon.
Snack:
more soup.
Breakfast:
Fat-free plain yogurt topped with almonds.
Smashed banana spread on rice cakes, sprinkled with cinnamon, ginger and cayenne
Lunch:
Saucy meatballs made with ground turkey, egg, oats and spices in a broth of tomato paste, olive oil and garlic.
Salad greens with mixed raw veggies, lemon and salt.
Supper:
Tomato sauces from a jar, mixed with fake ground meat onions and frozen spinach, served over whole wheat linguini, sprinkled with nutritional yeast.
Steamed broccoli
Snack:
Grapefruit
Breakfast:
2 fried eggs cooked in a pat of butter
small bowl of oatmeal with dollop of yogurt, cinnamon and ginger
fresh grapes
Lunch:
Butternut nut squash soup with canned tuna and barley, salt and pepper.
Green salad with raspberry dressing
Supper:
Sliced smoked turkey and fat free feta cheese sauteed with zuchini, tomatoes and onions, served over a bed of brown rice.
Snack:
Cantaloupe
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Bead and buttons and bracelets
Yesterday was my twenty-fifth day of this project. I got a good score: 14. I haven't done yoga in a few days. It feels like to much. Housework feels like to much. Cooking feels like to much. Paperwork feels like too much. Everything feels like too much. Everything but getting up in the morning and writing in this journal. That feels like not enough...like nothing at all.
I was real happy yesterday (8) because there are a dozen pharmaceutical sales jobs advertised for this area. Working as a drug rep is the only real job I've ever had. The only one that really paid well, the only one that required me to dress up and go to nice places, the only one that contributed to a 401 K or provided me with real training. There were lots of things about those jobs that I just hated, but there were some things that I loved. Even beyond the paycheck and the clothes and the car...there were things I really liked about selling drugs. The main thing, I guess, was learning all about the medicine, and their corresponding diseases.
When I first moved here TWO years ago, I tried to get a pharma job. But there just weren't any. Or, there weren't many. Maybe one or two a month popped up, during good months. I applied for them but only heard back once. I only had one interview for that job. That was it. I drove down there...actually Sweetie took the day off and drove me...in a horrible snow storm. The guy scheduled to go after me actually had a car accident on the way and couldn't make his appointment. I over heard the phone conversation. So, I thought my chances were pretty good...but I never heard back from them.
But all of a sudden there are like a dozen or more adds from hiring companies. Real companies too, that I am familiar with...not just contract organizations and recruiters. It's really exciting to think that I might actually be able to get a job, even if it is the same thing I was doing before. I wasn't too unhappy back when I was doing this. And when I was, it was probably more about the challenging things in my life, not so much about my job.
If I did it for a year, we could get out of the non-asset related debt we have right now...the few thousand on the credit card AND my student loan.
If I did it for two years, we could save up funds for me to use for going to school or for supporting a real book project.
If I did it for three years, we could plan a fabulous tour of Europe, and even invite my mom along for part of it.
There are probably other things that it would be smarter to spend extra money on that a tour of Europe...but that's the one that excites me. Hell, maybe we'd even go to India too. And Japan. And Brazil. It could be a world tour! I can hardly think of anything more exciting than that.
I wonder how much it would take to buy a really nice sail boat, maintain it, hire a crew to work it while we learned how, pay for docking and mooring fees, and have enough money to live on? Wouldn't that be an incredible goal to work towards. There's no reason I couldn't. And there's no reason why...once we were doing that, I couldn't really focus on writing.
Is it okay to wait that long before I get serious about writing? I don't know.
I should use my time this morning to edit my "how i learned to sail" story down to 2k words so I can submit it to the sailing magazines. I wonder if it is a realizable goal to get an article printed before the end of the year. It's still the beginning of October, that gives me almost three months. I'm going to try.
It's been about 4 days since I got serious about losing weight. And, I've lost at least two pounds. I can't remember what I started out at...174? 173? Even if I started at 172, I'm on track with the half a pound every other day goal. I weigh 171 this morning. It's such a delight to feel that extra bulge shrinking away. And, to have those solid numbers right there reassuring me that my efforts are paying off, hinting at the soon to be realized delights of beautiful clothes and a graceful sillouette.
I don't know why, but I'm finding it much easier to stick to my food guidelines not that they are stricter. I guess it's because there's a real reason now...a tangible something to give up if I go nuts and eat a box of cookies. Back when loosing weight was my only motivation...it was hard to stick to the plan in the face of binge urges. Recently when gaining points and being happy was at stake, I stuck to the plan to the tune of 1.84 out of a possible 3 points. That is only slightly better than half. And, my guess is that much of what is better than half about that number comes from the last 3 or 4 days of perfect behavior being averaged in. I'm hoping that the triple temptation of gaining points, being happy and watching my number shrink in the scale window will be enough to keep me focused and motivated.
It should be enough just to think back to last february, when I had lost 15 pounds and felt so good in my body. I looked so good in my clothes. It might also help to go through my wardrobe now and pull out all the things that don't quite fit: my red and black lace print skirt, my red courdory skirt with the military buttons up the front, my black suit pants, my tan skirt with the triangle panels. Then, once that stuff fits, I can pull out the real prizes: my grace kelly dress, the black turtle neck dress, my blue navy suit, my grey suit with the scalloped edge, my cream and brown striped suit. And once those things fit, I can pull out the real prize...the pink suit that has never quite fit me because I bought it when I weighed 154 and thought I was going to lose another 5 pounds. I never did. Instead, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery and stopped working out regularly and ate cookies and ice cream for most meals and moved here to the mountains and got married and struggled with depression.
But, thanks to my focus for the last few days, I am now 17 pounds heavier than that, instead of 20. I just need to do that 6 more times, right? (17-3=14,1! 14-3+11,2! 11-3=8,3! 8-3=5,4! 5-3=2,5! and 2-3=-1,6!) So yeah, 6 more times, and I'll be down to the weight I was when I felt so good. That sounds so easy. Just do what I've done over the last few days, which was easy...6 more times. There's probably something wrong with that theory. I probably didn't quite weigh 174...but the more I think about it, the more I think I actually did.
Now, the best thing would be if after 6 more times, I had found a job and was getting a paycheck and had the money to go shopping. Then, I would go to my favorite stores, and all the thrift stores too, and buy a bunch of new clothes...for work and for salsa dancing, that either fit perfectly or are a smidge too tight. Maybe that will help me stay focused and committed until the final number...139. Or until someone I care about tells me I'm too thin. Or until I look in the mirror and decide I don't want to loose anymore weight. From 154 to 139 is only 15 pounds. I can loose that by doing what I just did 5 times. That sounds easy too...doesn't it.
Sweetie and I have a dinner party to go to this weekend. I'd be dreading it, and considering canceling it, but we love the dinner parties these friends have. We're both looking forward to it.
I know I won't be able to stick to any kind of minimalist sampling of the food, it is too good, and too gracious, and too organized. They would know if I wasn't really eating. So instead, my plan is to eat well in the morning the day before, but then start an afternoon fast. And to spend the following morning in quiet activity and contemplation...continuing the fast until a right before we leave. I'll eat something very light...just 100 calories...to introduce my system back into the habit of digesting food. Then, at the party, I'll have a budget of exactly 2000 calories to enjoy.
That seems like plenty for really enjoying a party. I need to think of some way to keep track without anyone noticing. The bracelet trick is nice. I'd have to go out and buy some. I could have something small that I moved from my right pocket to my left, buttons or beads or such. I could only do that when I ducked into the bathroom. But that might be okay. I can keep a running tally for long enough to do that.
Okay. It's time to edit that story. It's not going to edit itself!
I was real happy yesterday (8) because there are a dozen pharmaceutical sales jobs advertised for this area. Working as a drug rep is the only real job I've ever had. The only one that really paid well, the only one that required me to dress up and go to nice places, the only one that contributed to a 401 K or provided me with real training. There were lots of things about those jobs that I just hated, but there were some things that I loved. Even beyond the paycheck and the clothes and the car...there were things I really liked about selling drugs. The main thing, I guess, was learning all about the medicine, and their corresponding diseases.
When I first moved here TWO years ago, I tried to get a pharma job. But there just weren't any. Or, there weren't many. Maybe one or two a month popped up, during good months. I applied for them but only heard back once. I only had one interview for that job. That was it. I drove down there...actually Sweetie took the day off and drove me...in a horrible snow storm. The guy scheduled to go after me actually had a car accident on the way and couldn't make his appointment. I over heard the phone conversation. So, I thought my chances were pretty good...but I never heard back from them.
But all of a sudden there are like a dozen or more adds from hiring companies. Real companies too, that I am familiar with...not just contract organizations and recruiters. It's really exciting to think that I might actually be able to get a job, even if it is the same thing I was doing before. I wasn't too unhappy back when I was doing this. And when I was, it was probably more about the challenging things in my life, not so much about my job.
If I did it for a year, we could get out of the non-asset related debt we have right now...the few thousand on the credit card AND my student loan.
If I did it for two years, we could save up funds for me to use for going to school or for supporting a real book project.
If I did it for three years, we could plan a fabulous tour of Europe, and even invite my mom along for part of it.
There are probably other things that it would be smarter to spend extra money on that a tour of Europe...but that's the one that excites me. Hell, maybe we'd even go to India too. And Japan. And Brazil. It could be a world tour! I can hardly think of anything more exciting than that.
I wonder how much it would take to buy a really nice sail boat, maintain it, hire a crew to work it while we learned how, pay for docking and mooring fees, and have enough money to live on? Wouldn't that be an incredible goal to work towards. There's no reason I couldn't. And there's no reason why...once we were doing that, I couldn't really focus on writing.
Is it okay to wait that long before I get serious about writing? I don't know.
I should use my time this morning to edit my "how i learned to sail" story down to 2k words so I can submit it to the sailing magazines. I wonder if it is a realizable goal to get an article printed before the end of the year. It's still the beginning of October, that gives me almost three months. I'm going to try.
It's been about 4 days since I got serious about losing weight. And, I've lost at least two pounds. I can't remember what I started out at...174? 173? Even if I started at 172, I'm on track with the half a pound every other day goal. I weigh 171 this morning. It's such a delight to feel that extra bulge shrinking away. And, to have those solid numbers right there reassuring me that my efforts are paying off, hinting at the soon to be realized delights of beautiful clothes and a graceful sillouette.
I don't know why, but I'm finding it much easier to stick to my food guidelines not that they are stricter. I guess it's because there's a real reason now...a tangible something to give up if I go nuts and eat a box of cookies. Back when loosing weight was my only motivation...it was hard to stick to the plan in the face of binge urges. Recently when gaining points and being happy was at stake, I stuck to the plan to the tune of 1.84 out of a possible 3 points. That is only slightly better than half. And, my guess is that much of what is better than half about that number comes from the last 3 or 4 days of perfect behavior being averaged in. I'm hoping that the triple temptation of gaining points, being happy and watching my number shrink in the scale window will be enough to keep me focused and motivated.
It should be enough just to think back to last february, when I had lost 15 pounds and felt so good in my body. I looked so good in my clothes. It might also help to go through my wardrobe now and pull out all the things that don't quite fit: my red and black lace print skirt, my red courdory skirt with the military buttons up the front, my black suit pants, my tan skirt with the triangle panels. Then, once that stuff fits, I can pull out the real prizes: my grace kelly dress, the black turtle neck dress, my blue navy suit, my grey suit with the scalloped edge, my cream and brown striped suit. And once those things fit, I can pull out the real prize...the pink suit that has never quite fit me because I bought it when I weighed 154 and thought I was going to lose another 5 pounds. I never did. Instead, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery and stopped working out regularly and ate cookies and ice cream for most meals and moved here to the mountains and got married and struggled with depression.
But, thanks to my focus for the last few days, I am now 17 pounds heavier than that, instead of 20. I just need to do that 6 more times, right? (17-3=14,1! 14-3+11,2! 11-3=8,3! 8-3=5,4! 5-3=2,5! and 2-3=-1,6!) So yeah, 6 more times, and I'll be down to the weight I was when I felt so good. That sounds so easy. Just do what I've done over the last few days, which was easy...6 more times. There's probably something wrong with that theory. I probably didn't quite weigh 174...but the more I think about it, the more I think I actually did.
Now, the best thing would be if after 6 more times, I had found a job and was getting a paycheck and had the money to go shopping. Then, I would go to my favorite stores, and all the thrift stores too, and buy a bunch of new clothes...for work and for salsa dancing, that either fit perfectly or are a smidge too tight. Maybe that will help me stay focused and committed until the final number...139. Or until someone I care about tells me I'm too thin. Or until I look in the mirror and decide I don't want to loose anymore weight. From 154 to 139 is only 15 pounds. I can loose that by doing what I just did 5 times. That sounds easy too...doesn't it.
Sweetie and I have a dinner party to go to this weekend. I'd be dreading it, and considering canceling it, but we love the dinner parties these friends have. We're both looking forward to it.
I know I won't be able to stick to any kind of minimalist sampling of the food, it is too good, and too gracious, and too organized. They would know if I wasn't really eating. So instead, my plan is to eat well in the morning the day before, but then start an afternoon fast. And to spend the following morning in quiet activity and contemplation...continuing the fast until a right before we leave. I'll eat something very light...just 100 calories...to introduce my system back into the habit of digesting food. Then, at the party, I'll have a budget of exactly 2000 calories to enjoy.
That seems like plenty for really enjoying a party. I need to think of some way to keep track without anyone noticing. The bracelet trick is nice. I'd have to go out and buy some. I could have something small that I moved from my right pocket to my left, buttons or beads or such. I could only do that when I ducked into the bathroom. But that might be okay. I can keep a running tally for long enough to do that.
Okay. It's time to edit that story. It's not going to edit itself!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
blah blah
I gave my self all sixes yesterday for my happiness rating. In the beginning of this project, my scores were all over the place, wildly swinging up and down. At that time, I thought a certain steadiness would be just as desirable as a lift in overall points. But after yesterday, I know I'd much rather have a day with a couple of 5's and a couple of 7's in it. The highs really make it worth having the lows.
I dreamed that Sweetie didn't love me any more. And the worse part was, I couldn't find our marriage license, so it was like we'd never even been together. There was no proof and no one believed me. People were very polite to me, like maybe they thought I was too mentally disturbed to contradict. It was nice to wake up in our dark bedroom and hear that steady breathing beside me...to know instantly that everything is all right.
I told Mom about this project when we talked on Monday. She asked me to send her the score sheet, so she could keep track of her points too. I wonder if she'll do it. I think the "bedtime" points: washing one's face, turning the light out early, were the big draw for her. She had terrible "sleep hygiene" as she calls it. I know she just falls asleep on the sofa, and then wanders to bed in her clothes in the middle of the night.
It's fun to "get points" for doing the normal things that can seem so tedious.
It's only been two days on my new lose-weight plan and I've lost half a pound. Of course, that is the plan...half a pound every other day. It's so satisfying to see that it's working.
I worry that once I get a job I won't have time to take care of myself. Other than go to the library, and pick up medicine at the vet's office, I can't think of anything useful that I did that wasn't part of getting ready for all the kids and mom's to come over and eat supper...like we do every Tuesday evening. Well, I also balanced and reconciled the checkbook...but really...it took a whole day just to do those few things? And, I was ExHaUsTeD at the end of it. Actually, I was exhausted in the middle of it!
Today's a fresh day, I'm going to try and get lots done. Especially job applications!
I dreamed that Sweetie didn't love me any more. And the worse part was, I couldn't find our marriage license, so it was like we'd never even been together. There was no proof and no one believed me. People were very polite to me, like maybe they thought I was too mentally disturbed to contradict. It was nice to wake up in our dark bedroom and hear that steady breathing beside me...to know instantly that everything is all right.
I told Mom about this project when we talked on Monday. She asked me to send her the score sheet, so she could keep track of her points too. I wonder if she'll do it. I think the "bedtime" points: washing one's face, turning the light out early, were the big draw for her. She had terrible "sleep hygiene" as she calls it. I know she just falls asleep on the sofa, and then wanders to bed in her clothes in the middle of the night.
It's fun to "get points" for doing the normal things that can seem so tedious.
It's only been two days on my new lose-weight plan and I've lost half a pound. Of course, that is the plan...half a pound every other day. It's so satisfying to see that it's working.
I worry that once I get a job I won't have time to take care of myself. Other than go to the library, and pick up medicine at the vet's office, I can't think of anything useful that I did that wasn't part of getting ready for all the kids and mom's to come over and eat supper...like we do every Tuesday evening. Well, I also balanced and reconciled the checkbook...but really...it took a whole day just to do those few things? And, I was ExHaUsTeD at the end of it. Actually, I was exhausted in the middle of it!
Today's a fresh day, I'm going to try and get lots done. Especially job applications!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
100 days of fitness
When I started this, loosing weight wasn't a goal. I figured I would just naturally drop a few pounds because I'd be exercising regularly at eating at least a little better than otherwise. But, instead, I feel like I'm gaining!
I'm not actually gaining, I'm fluctuating between 172 and 175...but 175 is so seriously on the wrong side of what feels like a comfortable weight for me that on those days I feel despairing. And nothing fits. It's hard to feel good when you know you don't look good.
Last year, right around Christmas...I was the same weight, and feeling the same way. So I devised a plan called "100 days of fitness" which caused me to lose 15 pounds. I felt GREAT at 160. But then I started binge eating again, and low and behold I am back at 175.
What's funny is...I still think I look good naked! When I walk down the hallway from the bathroom to my office, fresh from the shower and ready to get dressed, I can't help but admire my creamy skin, long limbs and swaying hips in the big mirror at the end of the hall. It's not until I try to squeeze myself into jeans that I feel like a stuffed sausage.
It's important to me to look beautiful. It's important for me to feel artistic and stylish. I've decided it's time to get serious again and lose...for good!...the extra fat I've been carrying around.
In my experience, it's easy to lose one pound every four days. That means if I start now...or yesterday, which I did...I could get rid of 35 pounds in 140 days. I don't think I've ever weighed that little, at least not at a time when I had access to a scale. That might be too thin for me, but I don't care...I'm making it a goal anyway. It's still well within the healthy BMI number for my height. If I get too skinny, then I will stop. Sweetie will tell me if I'm too thin, and since I'm NOT anorexic, I expect I'll be able to tell.
If I get an average of 3 jogging miles in everyday, or the cardio equivalent, then I need to eat a decreasing amount of calories as I loose weight. I think that's where a lot of people get stuck on diets. What works at 150 doesn't work the same at 130...because just carrying around that extra 20 pounds all day does some of the calorie burning work for you.
Here's what my daily caloric intake should be at 174 lbs, in order to loose one pound every 4 days: 1562
169:1497
164:1432
159:1367
154:1302
149:1237
144:1172
139...I'm thinking this is the absolute minimum weight for my height. It's not at the bottom of the healthy range on BMI charts...but it's as skinny as I can picture myself still looking good, and feeling vibrant. At this weight, if I want too stay there, and I am still running 3 miles a day, I should be eating 2107 calories a day. That is, according to the 13 calories pr. pound theory...which seems to be pretty reasonable. Of course, to actually stick to that long term, I should aim for 1700 calories most days, which would give me the option of splurging on up to 3,124 calories two days a week. That sounds like so much, but geez it's easy to eat that much.
Again according to the 13 calories pr. pound theory, if I ate that much every day, I would weigh 240. Lots of people DO weigh that much. I'm sure some of them have glandular disorders or malfunctioning metabolisms, but lot's of them simply eat that much! I look forward to eating that much on the weekends!
So, I didn't have any trouble sticking to the new plan yesterday. In fact, I had to be creative about eating some extra so I wouldn't be under nourished.
The key to the "100 days of fitness" plan is: trading in all the usually calorically dense and nutritionally weak foods for their opposite, nutritionally dense and calorically weak.
Volume is also important. Since I almost never feel unsatisfied by breakfast, I am just sticking to my usual porridge or egg based morning meal. I think this is an improvement over last time, when I just ate porridge...and got pretty sick of it.
For lunch, I eat my fat, protein and grain servings all poured over a large bowl of mixed raw salad greens. I don't think the greens have even enough calories to count, but they are full of nutrition. More importantly, they make me feel like I'm eating a great big meal! In truth, it's only 300 calories.
Later in the afternoon I have a snack of raw vegetables. Often, if I have yogurt for breakfast, I'll set some aside and mix in dried garlic and herbs. This makes a delicious dip on those days that plain raw vegetables seem too boring.
For supper, the key is soup. Ideally, I eat a 300 calorie bowl of soup that is well balanced between fat, protein and grain. Then, I add a large helping of plain cooked vegetables. There are some delicious combinations I've found. And the hot, steaming, filling soup really makes me feel satisfied.
This is the meal I get to play around with according to my cravings during that day, and according to my changing calorie goals. I don't have to worry too much about proper distribution. As long as the foods I'm eating are pretty healthy, and the calorie count is right, I figure it's okay. Last time, I even let myself eat things like Italian Wedding Soup from a can, which has suspicious little meatballs and noodles made from white flour. But it was greasy and tasty in a way that kept me from feeling deprived of things like pizza and lasagna. And, I figure, I am eating two other meals each day that are really solidly healthy. My body can handle a little bit of less-than-perfect sustenance once in a while.
Last night I had a cup of portabella mushroom soup poured over a cup of milled and topped with a serving of broccoli. I sprinkled the whole thing with garlic flakes and nutritional yeast. It was delicious...so savory!
If I can keep it up with the good eating plan and the regular exercise plan, I will reach 139 pounds by the 3rd week of February...just in time for my birthday. So, at 38, I will be more fit and trim that I was at any period in my 30's. It will be like being a teenager again, able to wear anything. The only difference will be, this time I'll KNOW I'm beautiful.
I'm not actually gaining, I'm fluctuating between 172 and 175...but 175 is so seriously on the wrong side of what feels like a comfortable weight for me that on those days I feel despairing. And nothing fits. It's hard to feel good when you know you don't look good.
Last year, right around Christmas...I was the same weight, and feeling the same way. So I devised a plan called "100 days of fitness" which caused me to lose 15 pounds. I felt GREAT at 160. But then I started binge eating again, and low and behold I am back at 175.
What's funny is...I still think I look good naked! When I walk down the hallway from the bathroom to my office, fresh from the shower and ready to get dressed, I can't help but admire my creamy skin, long limbs and swaying hips in the big mirror at the end of the hall. It's not until I try to squeeze myself into jeans that I feel like a stuffed sausage.
It's important to me to look beautiful. It's important for me to feel artistic and stylish. I've decided it's time to get serious again and lose...for good!...the extra fat I've been carrying around.
In my experience, it's easy to lose one pound every four days. That means if I start now...or yesterday, which I did...I could get rid of 35 pounds in 140 days. I don't think I've ever weighed that little, at least not at a time when I had access to a scale. That might be too thin for me, but I don't care...I'm making it a goal anyway. It's still well within the healthy BMI number for my height. If I get too skinny, then I will stop. Sweetie will tell me if I'm too thin, and since I'm NOT anorexic, I expect I'll be able to tell.
If I get an average of 3 jogging miles in everyday, or the cardio equivalent, then I need to eat a decreasing amount of calories as I loose weight. I think that's where a lot of people get stuck on diets. What works at 150 doesn't work the same at 130...because just carrying around that extra 20 pounds all day does some of the calorie burning work for you.
Here's what my daily caloric intake should be at 174 lbs, in order to loose one pound every 4 days: 1562
169:1497
164:1432
159:1367
154:1302
149:1237
144:1172
139...I'm thinking this is the absolute minimum weight for my height. It's not at the bottom of the healthy range on BMI charts...but it's as skinny as I can picture myself still looking good, and feeling vibrant. At this weight, if I want too stay there, and I am still running 3 miles a day, I should be eating 2107 calories a day. That is, according to the 13 calories pr. pound theory...which seems to be pretty reasonable. Of course, to actually stick to that long term, I should aim for 1700 calories most days, which would give me the option of splurging on up to 3,124 calories two days a week. That sounds like so much, but geez it's easy to eat that much.
Again according to the 13 calories pr. pound theory, if I ate that much every day, I would weigh 240. Lots of people DO weigh that much. I'm sure some of them have glandular disorders or malfunctioning metabolisms, but lot's of them simply eat that much! I look forward to eating that much on the weekends!
So, I didn't have any trouble sticking to the new plan yesterday. In fact, I had to be creative about eating some extra so I wouldn't be under nourished.
The key to the "100 days of fitness" plan is: trading in all the usually calorically dense and nutritionally weak foods for their opposite, nutritionally dense and calorically weak.
Volume is also important. Since I almost never feel unsatisfied by breakfast, I am just sticking to my usual porridge or egg based morning meal. I think this is an improvement over last time, when I just ate porridge...and got pretty sick of it.
For lunch, I eat my fat, protein and grain servings all poured over a large bowl of mixed raw salad greens. I don't think the greens have even enough calories to count, but they are full of nutrition. More importantly, they make me feel like I'm eating a great big meal! In truth, it's only 300 calories.
Later in the afternoon I have a snack of raw vegetables. Often, if I have yogurt for breakfast, I'll set some aside and mix in dried garlic and herbs. This makes a delicious dip on those days that plain raw vegetables seem too boring.
For supper, the key is soup. Ideally, I eat a 300 calorie bowl of soup that is well balanced between fat, protein and grain. Then, I add a large helping of plain cooked vegetables. There are some delicious combinations I've found. And the hot, steaming, filling soup really makes me feel satisfied.
This is the meal I get to play around with according to my cravings during that day, and according to my changing calorie goals. I don't have to worry too much about proper distribution. As long as the foods I'm eating are pretty healthy, and the calorie count is right, I figure it's okay. Last time, I even let myself eat things like Italian Wedding Soup from a can, which has suspicious little meatballs and noodles made from white flour. But it was greasy and tasty in a way that kept me from feeling deprived of things like pizza and lasagna. And, I figure, I am eating two other meals each day that are really solidly healthy. My body can handle a little bit of less-than-perfect sustenance once in a while.
Last night I had a cup of portabella mushroom soup poured over a cup of milled and topped with a serving of broccoli. I sprinkled the whole thing with garlic flakes and nutritional yeast. It was delicious...so savory!
If I can keep it up with the good eating plan and the regular exercise plan, I will reach 139 pounds by the 3rd week of February...just in time for my birthday. So, at 38, I will be more fit and trim that I was at any period in my 30's. It will be like being a teenager again, able to wear anything. The only difference will be, this time I'll KNOW I'm beautiful.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Time for Art
I like these words: embolden and redeemable.
I was pretty sure I was going to flop yesterday and not get many points on my compliance chart. I had two bowls of cornflakes for breakfast. That's 300 calories of whole grain, and 100 of protein. Not the right balance of food at all. And while cold cereals like corn flakes and cheerios are technically whole grains, they are not really on my food list. One, they are two processed. Two, I tend to act all binge-y with them.
But I ate well the rest of the day. Not quite the right balance, but all acceptable "foods," and not over 2000 calories. If I want to use this program to loose weight, I'm going to have to get serious like I did last winter, and knock it down to 1200 or 1300 calories a day. But I don't feel the need to be that serious right now. I think I'll just continue along like this for a while and see if I can get in a strong enough habit that I don't swing up and down on the compliance side of the chart any more.
I was able to calculate the correlation rate of my compliance scores in relations to my happiness scores yesterday. It was pretty low: four point something. At least, I think that's low. I really don't remember much from my statistics courses in college. But, I'm pretty sure a number below 5 means that the numbers aren't strongly correlated to each other. Maybe that's true. Maybe each days health score really can't predict at all the happiness score of that day. That's probably right. But I think there are other ways to measure compliance.
One. It's possible that every time my compliance moves in a down direction, my happiness score also moves in a down direction, either on that day, or the day after.
Two. It's possible that the longer I engage in this experiment, and the more point I accumulate in total, the higher my average happiness score. While my compliance scores jump up and down each day, it is true that I get more of them each week than I ever did before I started the program. It is also true that my average happiness score is moving up and up.
Three. It's possible that just engaging in this project has a subtly encouraging effect on my moods, no matter what my actual points are. I'm definitely happier more often that I was before I started doing this.
I think it's worth considering some of the other factors that may be contributing to my happiness.
One, something certainly related to this project, although not really part of it, is the fact that I am taking time each day to sit and write. I think that may be very significant.
Two, I don't think this is related to the project, though I can't be sure. Sweetie and I are reading a lot lately. I've been really committed to making sure we both have a fat selection of good library books for enjoying anytime. We tend to pass the books on to each other afterward, which means we can talk about what we've just read, or what we're currently reading, together. It's fun and it's intellectual, and it's enriching, and it's shared and it cuts down on the amount of TV and movies we watch.
Three, the weather has been really nice. Fall is here, but still lingers warmly in the air and in the sky and in the trees. There's just a soft hint of crispness. It's not a "ping!" kind of crispness. It's more like the sticky crust of an apple cobbler crispness, warm and fragrant and tasty. Sweet and rich.
I love fall.
And, I love getting up early, which IS part of the experiment. I'm really beginning to cherish these early morning hours. It's so nice to have the dark house to myself, and the sense that there is nothing else I should be doing but this.
My cousin and I took a tour of local artists' studios yesterday. Most of the art was blah blah blah. Some of the artists themselves were stunning, in their self-enchantment and lack of modesty. But we had a good day.
I was struck by the sense of entitlement some of these people have. I don't mean that as a slight, like I do most of the time when I use that word to describe people who live in this town. I wish I had it too. I can't imagine feeling like I had a right to rent a studio for myself, or devote hours and hours every day to creating art that might or might not be any good. I can't imagine buying the expensive tools and supplies it takes to make good art. I just can't imagine thinking of myself...and art that I could make...as worthy of the investment, no matter how much money I had at my disposal. But even more precious is the time. How could I ever feel like making art...even though I love art and need it in my life and support others to do it...how could I ever feel like MY art was a worthy enough pursuit to spend my days doing it.
I can't even allow myself the time to sit down and write...unless I do it now, in the dim pre-dawn, at hours so early I feel like no one else and nothing else can possibly have a right to claim them from me?
What is that about? And no wonder I struggle with depression. If it's that important for me to feel like my time is spent in worthwhile pursuits, what am I doing with my time? These past two years feel like wasting my life.
I'm sure there is a valuable lesson in this. I wish I could just learn it and move on.
I learned how to save my beautiful Excel chart alone on a page as a pdf, but I still can't figure out how to upload it here. I guess it needs to be a jpg. I guess I need to ask Sweetie for help.
I'm going to go to church today. Maybe that will add to my happiness.
I was pretty sure I was going to flop yesterday and not get many points on my compliance chart. I had two bowls of cornflakes for breakfast. That's 300 calories of whole grain, and 100 of protein. Not the right balance of food at all. And while cold cereals like corn flakes and cheerios are technically whole grains, they are not really on my food list. One, they are two processed. Two, I tend to act all binge-y with them.
But I ate well the rest of the day. Not quite the right balance, but all acceptable "foods," and not over 2000 calories. If I want to use this program to loose weight, I'm going to have to get serious like I did last winter, and knock it down to 1200 or 1300 calories a day. But I don't feel the need to be that serious right now. I think I'll just continue along like this for a while and see if I can get in a strong enough habit that I don't swing up and down on the compliance side of the chart any more.
I was able to calculate the correlation rate of my compliance scores in relations to my happiness scores yesterday. It was pretty low: four point something. At least, I think that's low. I really don't remember much from my statistics courses in college. But, I'm pretty sure a number below 5 means that the numbers aren't strongly correlated to each other. Maybe that's true. Maybe each days health score really can't predict at all the happiness score of that day. That's probably right. But I think there are other ways to measure compliance.
One. It's possible that every time my compliance moves in a down direction, my happiness score also moves in a down direction, either on that day, or the day after.
Two. It's possible that the longer I engage in this experiment, and the more point I accumulate in total, the higher my average happiness score. While my compliance scores jump up and down each day, it is true that I get more of them each week than I ever did before I started the program. It is also true that my average happiness score is moving up and up.
Three. It's possible that just engaging in this project has a subtly encouraging effect on my moods, no matter what my actual points are. I'm definitely happier more often that I was before I started doing this.
I think it's worth considering some of the other factors that may be contributing to my happiness.
One, something certainly related to this project, although not really part of it, is the fact that I am taking time each day to sit and write. I think that may be very significant.
Two, I don't think this is related to the project, though I can't be sure. Sweetie and I are reading a lot lately. I've been really committed to making sure we both have a fat selection of good library books for enjoying anytime. We tend to pass the books on to each other afterward, which means we can talk about what we've just read, or what we're currently reading, together. It's fun and it's intellectual, and it's enriching, and it's shared and it cuts down on the amount of TV and movies we watch.
Three, the weather has been really nice. Fall is here, but still lingers warmly in the air and in the sky and in the trees. There's just a soft hint of crispness. It's not a "ping!" kind of crispness. It's more like the sticky crust of an apple cobbler crispness, warm and fragrant and tasty. Sweet and rich.
I love fall.
And, I love getting up early, which IS part of the experiment. I'm really beginning to cherish these early morning hours. It's so nice to have the dark house to myself, and the sense that there is nothing else I should be doing but this.
My cousin and I took a tour of local artists' studios yesterday. Most of the art was blah blah blah. Some of the artists themselves were stunning, in their self-enchantment and lack of modesty. But we had a good day.
I was struck by the sense of entitlement some of these people have. I don't mean that as a slight, like I do most of the time when I use that word to describe people who live in this town. I wish I had it too. I can't imagine feeling like I had a right to rent a studio for myself, or devote hours and hours every day to creating art that might or might not be any good. I can't imagine buying the expensive tools and supplies it takes to make good art. I just can't imagine thinking of myself...and art that I could make...as worthy of the investment, no matter how much money I had at my disposal. But even more precious is the time. How could I ever feel like making art...even though I love art and need it in my life and support others to do it...how could I ever feel like MY art was a worthy enough pursuit to spend my days doing it.
I can't even allow myself the time to sit down and write...unless I do it now, in the dim pre-dawn, at hours so early I feel like no one else and nothing else can possibly have a right to claim them from me?
What is that about? And no wonder I struggle with depression. If it's that important for me to feel like my time is spent in worthwhile pursuits, what am I doing with my time? These past two years feel like wasting my life.
I'm sure there is a valuable lesson in this. I wish I could just learn it and move on.
I learned how to save my beautiful Excel chart alone on a page as a pdf, but I still can't figure out how to upload it here. I guess it needs to be a jpg. I guess I need to ask Sweetie for help.
I'm going to go to church today. Maybe that will add to my happiness.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Boycotts and Binges
I was so tired on the way home last night that I slept sitting up in the passenger seat for the 45 minutes it took to get home. I planned to sleep in this morning, since I we didn't get home until quarter to eleven. But, if I count the sleep I got in the car, then I really did go to "bed" at ten. No wonder I woke up automatically at 5:45 this morning, ready to start my day.
I didn't do well on my points sheet yesterday. I was doing fine until about three pm. I was at the grocery store, spending two hundred dollars on things that aren't even really food: kitten kibble, puppy chow, dryer sheets, sunblock, tums, tooth floss, scotch tape, tupper-ware, etc. While walking through the back area where the bathrooms are located, I smelled what I thought was fresh donuts. I had eaten perfectly all day, and the day before too! And suddenly this smell of fresh donuts was driving me crazy...I had to have some!
I finished my shopping, debating it in my head the whole time...would I or wouldn't I give in and buy half a dozen fresh glazed donuts. Finally, I would! But when I got to the bakery...a section of the store I ignore except on binge days, there were no donuts to be found. I wandered around for longer than I should have, considering and re-considering the few withered looking specimens left on the dozen mostly-empty donut trays in the display case. I peered through the plastic windows of the bags that held the factory made, pre-packages donuts and donut-holes. I even strolled past the cheesecake case a few times, wondering whether a large piece of plain cake with grahm cracker crust and sweet cherry topping would satisfy my craving for sweet and fat to sink my teeth into.
In the end, I decided that nothing but fresh donuts would do...so I pushed my heavy cart with the stubborn, sticking wheel, all the way to the one open lane. I felt almost triumphant that I had withstood that moment of temptation, and was emerging from the store with nothing but the healthy and necessary things I'd come in for.
But there was a display of cookies on the table next to the register, and I stupidly put one of the boxes in my cart. They weren't donuts. They weren't what I wanted. They weren't even very good. I don't understand why I bought them. I felt sick after eating half a dozen of them.
I know I wouldn't have broken down like that, except we had these supper plans where I knew I would end up eating stuff that wasn't on my food plan. And, I knew I would eat too much of it, and in the wrong combinations. So I guess at some level I figured this was the day to blow it.
I hate eating as a social activity. I really do. I know it's not very correct to feel this way. I know a shared meal is an important community building activity. I know eating alone is supposed to be sad and pitiful. I know not wanting to eat with people is odd and selfish. I don't care. I just don't like it.
It's not that I don't like people. I love to just sit and talk with friends. I'm happy to share a glass of wine. I'm more than happy to go and ride roller coasters together, or take turns helping each other clean out closets or garages or gutters. But geez, I hate having to eat with people.
I can never stick to my plan for what I'm going to eat.
Actually, that's not true. There is one time I enjoy eating with others, and that's at work for lunch. We each bring our own food, and no one expects to share with anyone else. We just eat what we brought, and enjoy each other's company while we eat. Sometimes we admire and inquire over someone else's meal. "How'd you make that? Is that from the Italian place where we had the fund raiser? What made you think to put strawberries and bananas on top of a leafy green salad? Is that bsalmic vinegar, or tamari?" But we don't mess with people.
I want to start boycotting suppers with other people. That's sad, because those are fun. It's wonderful to feel like someone else likes you so much they prepared a whole meal just to share with you. But mostly, ugh, I would so much rather just eat at home alone...or maybe with Sweetie...and have the luxury of understanding exactly what I'm eating, and how much of it and whether or not I've had enough.
I wonder if it's possible to cut down on the number of food-oriented events we do with people?
Parties should be okay. There's so much going on that it's usually manageable to just hold on to a glass of wine for the time you're there. No one pays attention whether or not someone else is eating. That's what makes those events so dangerous once you do start eating...there's no one to notice that you are pigging out and shame you into stopping.
Okay, so no eating at parties...and just one glass of red wine will have to last for the entire time we are at the party.
And it ought to be okay to invite people over here for supper. Then I have control over everything. For some reason, I still end up pigging out when people come over to eat with us. I wonder why that is? I guess I either need to figure that out, or stop having people over for supper.
It's so hard, going up against this huge cultural expectation that friends will invite each other over for supper, or go out to restaurants together. There are so many other things I'd rather do.
Mini golf. Canoeing. Air hockey. Movies. Plays. Hikes. Art projects. Landscaping. Shopping. Rollercoasters.
I need to put together a list of things that we can invite other people to do, for when we turn them down on their offers to eat together.
Today I am going on a tour of local art studios with my cousin. There will be crackers and cookies and chocolate and cheese on platters at the studios, but I'm going to bring along an iced herbal tea or lemon water, and just stick to that.
Tomorrow, Sweetie and I are meeting friends in a nearby town for a play. Actually, we're getting together an hour and a half before the play so we can spend some time together without staying up late on a Sunday night. Happily, it's a weird time to eat: 4:30. I think I can get away with just ordering a glass of wine and announcing my plan to eat a real supper later.
If I do that, then this could be a perfect point day...since I got up early already. And tomorrow could be a perfect point day too. And I can't think of any reason Monday couldn't be perfect too.
Tuesday will be hard because I'll have all the kids and their moms over here for supper again. But I'll try. Maybe I could make something I don't like. A casserole baked with quinoa! I wonder if the kids would eat that? Or something with bacon in it! Taline and I could share a vegetarian version. I wish there were more things I didn't like. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough. Papaya! If only it were possible to make a one dish dinner that featured papaya! There's no way I'd pig out on that.
I didn't do well on my points sheet yesterday. I was doing fine until about three pm. I was at the grocery store, spending two hundred dollars on things that aren't even really food: kitten kibble, puppy chow, dryer sheets, sunblock, tums, tooth floss, scotch tape, tupper-ware, etc. While walking through the back area where the bathrooms are located, I smelled what I thought was fresh donuts. I had eaten perfectly all day, and the day before too! And suddenly this smell of fresh donuts was driving me crazy...I had to have some!
I finished my shopping, debating it in my head the whole time...would I or wouldn't I give in and buy half a dozen fresh glazed donuts. Finally, I would! But when I got to the bakery...a section of the store I ignore except on binge days, there were no donuts to be found. I wandered around for longer than I should have, considering and re-considering the few withered looking specimens left on the dozen mostly-empty donut trays in the display case. I peered through the plastic windows of the bags that held the factory made, pre-packages donuts and donut-holes. I even strolled past the cheesecake case a few times, wondering whether a large piece of plain cake with grahm cracker crust and sweet cherry topping would satisfy my craving for sweet and fat to sink my teeth into.
In the end, I decided that nothing but fresh donuts would do...so I pushed my heavy cart with the stubborn, sticking wheel, all the way to the one open lane. I felt almost triumphant that I had withstood that moment of temptation, and was emerging from the store with nothing but the healthy and necessary things I'd come in for.
But there was a display of cookies on the table next to the register, and I stupidly put one of the boxes in my cart. They weren't donuts. They weren't what I wanted. They weren't even very good. I don't understand why I bought them. I felt sick after eating half a dozen of them.
I know I wouldn't have broken down like that, except we had these supper plans where I knew I would end up eating stuff that wasn't on my food plan. And, I knew I would eat too much of it, and in the wrong combinations. So I guess at some level I figured this was the day to blow it.
I hate eating as a social activity. I really do. I know it's not very correct to feel this way. I know a shared meal is an important community building activity. I know eating alone is supposed to be sad and pitiful. I know not wanting to eat with people is odd and selfish. I don't care. I just don't like it.
It's not that I don't like people. I love to just sit and talk with friends. I'm happy to share a glass of wine. I'm more than happy to go and ride roller coasters together, or take turns helping each other clean out closets or garages or gutters. But geez, I hate having to eat with people.
I can never stick to my plan for what I'm going to eat.
Actually, that's not true. There is one time I enjoy eating with others, and that's at work for lunch. We each bring our own food, and no one expects to share with anyone else. We just eat what we brought, and enjoy each other's company while we eat. Sometimes we admire and inquire over someone else's meal. "How'd you make that? Is that from the Italian place where we had the fund raiser? What made you think to put strawberries and bananas on top of a leafy green salad? Is that bsalmic vinegar, or tamari?" But we don't mess with people.
I want to start boycotting suppers with other people. That's sad, because those are fun. It's wonderful to feel like someone else likes you so much they prepared a whole meal just to share with you. But mostly, ugh, I would so much rather just eat at home alone...or maybe with Sweetie...and have the luxury of understanding exactly what I'm eating, and how much of it and whether or not I've had enough.
I wonder if it's possible to cut down on the number of food-oriented events we do with people?
Parties should be okay. There's so much going on that it's usually manageable to just hold on to a glass of wine for the time you're there. No one pays attention whether or not someone else is eating. That's what makes those events so dangerous once you do start eating...there's no one to notice that you are pigging out and shame you into stopping.
Okay, so no eating at parties...and just one glass of red wine will have to last for the entire time we are at the party.
And it ought to be okay to invite people over here for supper. Then I have control over everything. For some reason, I still end up pigging out when people come over to eat with us. I wonder why that is? I guess I either need to figure that out, or stop having people over for supper.
It's so hard, going up against this huge cultural expectation that friends will invite each other over for supper, or go out to restaurants together. There are so many other things I'd rather do.
Mini golf. Canoeing. Air hockey. Movies. Plays. Hikes. Art projects. Landscaping. Shopping. Rollercoasters.
I need to put together a list of things that we can invite other people to do, for when we turn them down on their offers to eat together.
Today I am going on a tour of local art studios with my cousin. There will be crackers and cookies and chocolate and cheese on platters at the studios, but I'm going to bring along an iced herbal tea or lemon water, and just stick to that.
Tomorrow, Sweetie and I are meeting friends in a nearby town for a play. Actually, we're getting together an hour and a half before the play so we can spend some time together without staying up late on a Sunday night. Happily, it's a weird time to eat: 4:30. I think I can get away with just ordering a glass of wine and announcing my plan to eat a real supper later.
If I do that, then this could be a perfect point day...since I got up early already. And tomorrow could be a perfect point day too. And I can't think of any reason Monday couldn't be perfect too.
Tuesday will be hard because I'll have all the kids and their moms over here for supper again. But I'll try. Maybe I could make something I don't like. A casserole baked with quinoa! I wonder if the kids would eat that? Or something with bacon in it! Taline and I could share a vegetarian version. I wish there were more things I didn't like. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough. Papaya! If only it were possible to make a one dish dinner that featured papaya! There's no way I'd pig out on that.
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