Yesterday was my twenty-fifth day of this project. I got a good score: 14. I haven't done yoga in a few days. It feels like to much. Housework feels like to much. Cooking feels like to much. Paperwork feels like too much. Everything feels like too much. Everything but getting up in the morning and writing in this journal. That feels like not enough...like nothing at all.
I was real happy yesterday (8) because there are a dozen pharmaceutical sales jobs advertised for this area. Working as a drug rep is the only real job I've ever had. The only one that really paid well, the only one that required me to dress up and go to nice places, the only one that contributed to a 401 K or provided me with real training. There were lots of things about those jobs that I just hated, but there were some things that I loved. Even beyond the paycheck and the clothes and the car...there were things I really liked about selling drugs. The main thing, I guess, was learning all about the medicine, and their corresponding diseases.
When I first moved here TWO years ago, I tried to get a pharma job. But there just weren't any. Or, there weren't many. Maybe one or two a month popped up, during good months. I applied for them but only heard back once. I only had one interview for that job. That was it. I drove down there...actually Sweetie took the day off and drove me...in a horrible snow storm. The guy scheduled to go after me actually had a car accident on the way and couldn't make his appointment. I over heard the phone conversation. So, I thought my chances were pretty good...but I never heard back from them.
But all of a sudden there are like a dozen or more adds from hiring companies. Real companies too, that I am familiar with...not just contract organizations and recruiters. It's really exciting to think that I might actually be able to get a job, even if it is the same thing I was doing before. I wasn't too unhappy back when I was doing this. And when I was, it was probably more about the challenging things in my life, not so much about my job.
If I did it for a year, we could get out of the non-asset related debt we have right now...the few thousand on the credit card AND my student loan.
If I did it for two years, we could save up funds for me to use for going to school or for supporting a real book project.
If I did it for three years, we could plan a fabulous tour of Europe, and even invite my mom along for part of it.
There are probably other things that it would be smarter to spend extra money on that a tour of Europe...but that's the one that excites me. Hell, maybe we'd even go to India too. And Japan. And Brazil. It could be a world tour! I can hardly think of anything more exciting than that.
I wonder how much it would take to buy a really nice sail boat, maintain it, hire a crew to work it while we learned how, pay for docking and mooring fees, and have enough money to live on? Wouldn't that be an incredible goal to work towards. There's no reason I couldn't. And there's no reason why...once we were doing that, I couldn't really focus on writing.
Is it okay to wait that long before I get serious about writing? I don't know.
I should use my time this morning to edit my "how i learned to sail" story down to 2k words so I can submit it to the sailing magazines. I wonder if it is a realizable goal to get an article printed before the end of the year. It's still the beginning of October, that gives me almost three months. I'm going to try.
It's been about 4 days since I got serious about losing weight. And, I've lost at least two pounds. I can't remember what I started out at...174? 173? Even if I started at 172, I'm on track with the half a pound every other day goal. I weigh 171 this morning. It's such a delight to feel that extra bulge shrinking away. And, to have those solid numbers right there reassuring me that my efforts are paying off, hinting at the soon to be realized delights of beautiful clothes and a graceful sillouette.
I don't know why, but I'm finding it much easier to stick to my food guidelines not that they are stricter. I guess it's because there's a real reason now...a tangible something to give up if I go nuts and eat a box of cookies. Back when loosing weight was my only motivation...it was hard to stick to the plan in the face of binge urges. Recently when gaining points and being happy was at stake, I stuck to the plan to the tune of 1.84 out of a possible 3 points. That is only slightly better than half. And, my guess is that much of what is better than half about that number comes from the last 3 or 4 days of perfect behavior being averaged in. I'm hoping that the triple temptation of gaining points, being happy and watching my number shrink in the scale window will be enough to keep me focused and motivated.
It should be enough just to think back to last february, when I had lost 15 pounds and felt so good in my body. I looked so good in my clothes. It might also help to go through my wardrobe now and pull out all the things that don't quite fit: my red and black lace print skirt, my red courdory skirt with the military buttons up the front, my black suit pants, my tan skirt with the triangle panels. Then, once that stuff fits, I can pull out the real prizes: my grace kelly dress, the black turtle neck dress, my blue navy suit, my grey suit with the scalloped edge, my cream and brown striped suit. And once those things fit, I can pull out the real prize...the pink suit that has never quite fit me because I bought it when I weighed 154 and thought I was going to lose another 5 pounds. I never did. Instead, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have surgery and stopped working out regularly and ate cookies and ice cream for most meals and moved here to the mountains and got married and struggled with depression.
But, thanks to my focus for the last few days, I am now 17 pounds heavier than that, instead of 20. I just need to do that 6 more times, right? (17-3=14,1! 14-3+11,2! 11-3=8,3! 8-3=5,4! 5-3=2,5! and 2-3=-1,6!) So yeah, 6 more times, and I'll be down to the weight I was when I felt so good. That sounds so easy. Just do what I've done over the last few days, which was easy...6 more times. There's probably something wrong with that theory. I probably didn't quite weigh 174...but the more I think about it, the more I think I actually did.
Now, the best thing would be if after 6 more times, I had found a job and was getting a paycheck and had the money to go shopping. Then, I would go to my favorite stores, and all the thrift stores too, and buy a bunch of new clothes...for work and for salsa dancing, that either fit perfectly or are a smidge too tight. Maybe that will help me stay focused and committed until the final number...139. Or until someone I care about tells me I'm too thin. Or until I look in the mirror and decide I don't want to loose anymore weight. From 154 to 139 is only 15 pounds. I can loose that by doing what I just did 5 times. That sounds easy too...doesn't it.
Sweetie and I have a dinner party to go to this weekend. I'd be dreading it, and considering canceling it, but we love the dinner parties these friends have. We're both looking forward to it.
I know I won't be able to stick to any kind of minimalist sampling of the food, it is too good, and too gracious, and too organized. They would know if I wasn't really eating. So instead, my plan is to eat well in the morning the day before, but then start an afternoon fast. And to spend the following morning in quiet activity and contemplation...continuing the fast until a right before we leave. I'll eat something very light...just 100 calories...to introduce my system back into the habit of digesting food. Then, at the party, I'll have a budget of exactly 2000 calories to enjoy.
That seems like plenty for really enjoying a party. I need to think of some way to keep track without anyone noticing. The bracelet trick is nice. I'd have to go out and buy some. I could have something small that I moved from my right pocket to my left, buttons or beads or such. I could only do that when I ducked into the bathroom. But that might be okay. I can keep a running tally for long enough to do that.
Okay. It's time to edit that story. It's not going to edit itself!
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