I was so tired on the way home last night that I slept sitting up in the passenger seat for the 45 minutes it took to get home. I planned to sleep in this morning, since I we didn't get home until quarter to eleven. But, if I count the sleep I got in the car, then I really did go to "bed" at ten. No wonder I woke up automatically at 5:45 this morning, ready to start my day.
I didn't do well on my points sheet yesterday. I was doing fine until about three pm. I was at the grocery store, spending two hundred dollars on things that aren't even really food: kitten kibble, puppy chow, dryer sheets, sunblock, tums, tooth floss, scotch tape, tupper-ware, etc. While walking through the back area where the bathrooms are located, I smelled what I thought was fresh donuts. I had eaten perfectly all day, and the day before too! And suddenly this smell of fresh donuts was driving me crazy...I had to have some!
I finished my shopping, debating it in my head the whole time...would I or wouldn't I give in and buy half a dozen fresh glazed donuts. Finally, I would! But when I got to the bakery...a section of the store I ignore except on binge days, there were no donuts to be found. I wandered around for longer than I should have, considering and re-considering the few withered looking specimens left on the dozen mostly-empty donut trays in the display case. I peered through the plastic windows of the bags that held the factory made, pre-packages donuts and donut-holes. I even strolled past the cheesecake case a few times, wondering whether a large piece of plain cake with grahm cracker crust and sweet cherry topping would satisfy my craving for sweet and fat to sink my teeth into.
In the end, I decided that nothing but fresh donuts would do...so I pushed my heavy cart with the stubborn, sticking wheel, all the way to the one open lane. I felt almost triumphant that I had withstood that moment of temptation, and was emerging from the store with nothing but the healthy and necessary things I'd come in for.
But there was a display of cookies on the table next to the register, and I stupidly put one of the boxes in my cart. They weren't donuts. They weren't what I wanted. They weren't even very good. I don't understand why I bought them. I felt sick after eating half a dozen of them.
I know I wouldn't have broken down like that, except we had these supper plans where I knew I would end up eating stuff that wasn't on my food plan. And, I knew I would eat too much of it, and in the wrong combinations. So I guess at some level I figured this was the day to blow it.
I hate eating as a social activity. I really do. I know it's not very correct to feel this way. I know a shared meal is an important community building activity. I know eating alone is supposed to be sad and pitiful. I know not wanting to eat with people is odd and selfish. I don't care. I just don't like it.
It's not that I don't like people. I love to just sit and talk with friends. I'm happy to share a glass of wine. I'm more than happy to go and ride roller coasters together, or take turns helping each other clean out closets or garages or gutters. But geez, I hate having to eat with people.
I can never stick to my plan for what I'm going to eat.
Actually, that's not true. There is one time I enjoy eating with others, and that's at work for lunch. We each bring our own food, and no one expects to share with anyone else. We just eat what we brought, and enjoy each other's company while we eat. Sometimes we admire and inquire over someone else's meal. "How'd you make that? Is that from the Italian place where we had the fund raiser? What made you think to put strawberries and bananas on top of a leafy green salad? Is that bsalmic vinegar, or tamari?" But we don't mess with people.
I want to start boycotting suppers with other people. That's sad, because those are fun. It's wonderful to feel like someone else likes you so much they prepared a whole meal just to share with you. But mostly, ugh, I would so much rather just eat at home alone...or maybe with Sweetie...and have the luxury of understanding exactly what I'm eating, and how much of it and whether or not I've had enough.
I wonder if it's possible to cut down on the number of food-oriented events we do with people?
Parties should be okay. There's so much going on that it's usually manageable to just hold on to a glass of wine for the time you're there. No one pays attention whether or not someone else is eating. That's what makes those events so dangerous once you do start eating...there's no one to notice that you are pigging out and shame you into stopping.
Okay, so no eating at parties...and just one glass of red wine will have to last for the entire time we are at the party.
And it ought to be okay to invite people over here for supper. Then I have control over everything. For some reason, I still end up pigging out when people come over to eat with us. I wonder why that is? I guess I either need to figure that out, or stop having people over for supper.
It's so hard, going up against this huge cultural expectation that friends will invite each other over for supper, or go out to restaurants together. There are so many other things I'd rather do.
Mini golf. Canoeing. Air hockey. Movies. Plays. Hikes. Art projects. Landscaping. Shopping. Rollercoasters.
I need to put together a list of things that we can invite other people to do, for when we turn them down on their offers to eat together.
Today I am going on a tour of local art studios with my cousin. There will be crackers and cookies and chocolate and cheese on platters at the studios, but I'm going to bring along an iced herbal tea or lemon water, and just stick to that.
Tomorrow, Sweetie and I are meeting friends in a nearby town for a play. Actually, we're getting together an hour and a half before the play so we can spend some time together without staying up late on a Sunday night. Happily, it's a weird time to eat: 4:30. I think I can get away with just ordering a glass of wine and announcing my plan to eat a real supper later.
If I do that, then this could be a perfect point day...since I got up early already. And tomorrow could be a perfect point day too. And I can't think of any reason Monday couldn't be perfect too.
Tuesday will be hard because I'll have all the kids and their moms over here for supper again. But I'll try. Maybe I could make something I don't like. A casserole baked with quinoa! I wonder if the kids would eat that? Or something with bacon in it! Taline and I could share a vegetarian version. I wish there were more things I didn't like. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough. Papaya! If only it were possible to make a one dish dinner that featured papaya! There's no way I'd pig out on that.
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