Time for Art

I like these words: embolden and redeemable.

I was pretty sure I was going to flop yesterday and not get many points on my compliance chart. I had two bowls of cornflakes for breakfast. That's 300 calories of whole grain, and 100 of protein. Not the right balance of food at all. And while cold cereals like corn flakes and cheerios are technically whole grains, they are not really on my food list. One, they are two processed. Two, I tend to act all binge-y with them.

But I ate well the rest of the day. Not quite the right balance, but all acceptable "foods," and not over 2000 calories. If I want to use this program to loose weight, I'm going to have to get serious like I did last winter, and knock it down to 1200 or 1300 calories a day. But I don't feel the need to be that serious right now. I think I'll just continue along like this for a while and see if I can get in a strong enough habit that I don't swing up and down on the compliance side of the chart any more.

I was able to calculate the correlation rate of my compliance scores in relations to my happiness scores yesterday. It was pretty low: four point something. At least, I think that's low. I really don't remember much from my statistics courses in college. But, I'm pretty sure a number below 5 means that the numbers aren't strongly correlated to each other. Maybe that's true. Maybe each days health score really can't predict at all the happiness score of that day. That's probably right. But I think there are other ways to measure compliance.

One. It's possible that every time my compliance moves in a down direction, my happiness score also moves in a down direction, either on that day, or the day after.

Two. It's possible that the longer I engage in this experiment, and the more point I accumulate in total, the higher my average happiness score. While my compliance scores jump up and down each day, it is true that I get more of them each week than I ever did before I started the program. It is also true that my average happiness score is moving up and up.

Three. It's possible that just engaging in this project has a subtly encouraging effect on my moods, no matter what my actual points are. I'm definitely happier more often that I was before I started doing this.


I think it's worth considering some of the other factors that may be contributing to my happiness.

One, something certainly related to this project, although not really part of it, is the fact that I am taking time each day to sit and write. I think that may be very significant.

Two, I don't think this is related to the project, though I can't be sure. Sweetie and I are reading a lot lately. I've been really committed to making sure we both have a fat selection of good library books for enjoying anytime. We tend to pass the books on to each other afterward, which means we can talk about what we've just read, or what we're currently reading, together. It's fun and it's intellectual, and it's enriching, and it's shared and it cuts down on the amount of TV and movies we watch.

Three, the weather has been really nice. Fall is here, but still lingers warmly in the air and in the sky and in the trees. There's just a soft hint of crispness. It's not a "ping!" kind of crispness. It's more like the sticky crust of an apple cobbler crispness, warm and fragrant and tasty. Sweet and rich.

I love fall.

And, I love getting up early, which IS part of the experiment. I'm really beginning to cherish these early morning hours. It's so nice to have the dark house to myself, and the sense that there is nothing else I should be doing but this.

My cousin and I took a tour of local artists' studios yesterday. Most of the art was blah blah blah. Some of the artists themselves were stunning, in their self-enchantment and lack of modesty. But we had a good day.

I was struck by the sense of entitlement some of these people have. I don't mean that as a slight, like I do most of the time when I use that word to describe people who live in this town. I wish I had it too. I can't imagine feeling like I had a right to rent a studio for myself, or devote hours and hours every day to creating art that might or might not be any good. I can't imagine buying the expensive tools and supplies it takes to make good art. I just can't imagine thinking of myself...and art that I could make...as worthy of the investment, no matter how much money I had at my disposal. But even more precious is the time. How could I ever feel like making art...even though I love art and need it in my life and support others to do it...how could I ever feel like MY art was a worthy enough pursuit to spend my days doing it.

I can't even allow myself the time to sit down and write...unless I do it now, in the dim pre-dawn, at hours so early I feel like no one else and nothing else can possibly have a right to claim them from me?

What is that about? And no wonder I struggle with depression. If it's that important for me to feel like my time is spent in worthwhile pursuits, what am I doing with my time? These past two years feel like wasting my life.

I'm sure there is a valuable lesson in this. I wish I could just learn it and move on.

I learned how to save my beautiful Excel chart alone on a page as a pdf, but I still can't figure out how to upload it here. I guess it needs to be a jpg. I guess I need to ask Sweetie for help.

I'm going to go to church today. Maybe that will add to my happiness.