Sunday, September 26, 2010

Low Points, High Score

Yesterday was Saturday. I took a break. I slept in late, I didn't write or run or even look at my yoga mat. I ate healthy well-balanced meals, with movie house popcorn, peanut m&m's, Kaluha and Bailey's Irish Liquor afterwards. I felt bold enough to do this, to risk unhappiness in this way, because Sweetie was home with me, and there was nothing much we had to do. We both spent the whole day lazing around the house, reading books, enjoying the perfect early-fall weather. I just knew that no matter what happened that whole day, I was going to feel pretty happy. So I ate whatever appealed to me and pretended I didn't own work-out shoes.

My compliance score was only 36.66. That's equal to the lowest scores I've gotten since my baseline day. But, my happiness score was 70! That's just a few points short of my all time high.

To do the same today, even though it's Sunday and Sweetie and I have a similar day ahead of us, would be too much like taunting. Whatever devil brings my depression to me, I'd rather not demand his attention.

The line chart I'm making on Excel shows my Happiness points and my Compliance scores right next to each other, day by day. The Happiness points, in blue, make me think of a lazy little brother, chasing his elder sibling down the length of a soccer field. The older boy is energetic. He darts and feints from side to side, running wide to cover as much ground as possible. The other one, on shorter legs, can't keep up, so he cuts the corners and just barely manages to follow in the same general direction.

There are some days, of course, where the compliance score lurches up or down, and the happiness rating continues gently in the same opposing direction it was going the day before. You can still easily see, however, without calculating the official correlation value, that the two variables are somehow connected. I can't help but wonder, if I could find a way to shift the chart over, if the relationship would be even stronger. My guess is that if I matched each day's happiness score with the compliance of, not that actual day...but the day before, that the relationship would show up even stronger.

So I'm a little wary today. I scared that yesterdays disregard for all the things that have shown to be influential on my happiness, will hit me hard to day. I don't want to go through the day in a grey fog of hopelessness. Ugh. If I'm lucky, Sweetie's presence throughout the day, and our free passes to the batting cages and go cart track, will keep me buoyed up.

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