Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Nurture

I was so low yesterday. It was morning...which is usually a good time for me. I just felt useless. I felt trapped. I felt like no one is ever going to give me a job that I like, and it's ridiculous to think I could create some kind of career for myself out side of the standard job market.

I gave in and gave up. I stopped trying to do anything useful. I wrapped a blanket around myself and watched every episode of the BBC miniseries version of Sense and Sensibility. Afterward, I felt better. I guess sometimes I just need to nurture myself.

No wonder I'm sad, I'm job hunting. It's just challenging and depressing work. I read over all the want ads, and mostly they are just horrible sounding. Then, once in a great while I find something exciting...something I really think I could do day after day for years. I write a resume and a letter in a cloud of hope. And then that cloud slowly turns to rain as nothing happens over the next couple of weeks. And that's about how long it take to find another something exciting that seems worth applying for, a couple of weeks.

Sweetie says it's not me, it's the economy. I know I write a good resume, and a decent cover letter. It occurred to me this morning that I actually have done the best possible job on my resume. The problem is just that I have a crummy work history and no amount of clever writing is going to cover that up.

It's no wonder I feel low. I'm really not doing a good job of sticking to the health plan I set down for myself two weeks ago. Everyday seems like a new challenge. I had hoped by this time it would just seem like an easy routine, and I would be getting perfect scores every day.

Each day I wake up with the intention of getting a perfect score. Actually today I woke up with the intention of getting a near perfect score, because I'd already let myself sleep in until 7:00 am, losing my "early riser" point.

Yesterday I was going to make a list of qualities that describe my perfect job. I don't know why I didn't do it. I'm going to do it now.

Part time. 20-30 hours a week. Starts between 10am and noon. Ends between two and six. Hours are somewhat flexible and somewhat fixed. Meaning, I can set my hours ahead of time according to my schedule...but that I expected to arrive at the agreed upon time and stay until I said I would each day.

Local. I can ride my bike there in 20 minutes or less. The bus that drives past my house also gets me there. The building I work in is either attractive or interesting. I feel happy being there.

I work to support something I believe in. It could be art, or education, or health, or community. I work with people I like and feel like I can learn from. I do work that I enjoy and either feel like I'm good at doing, or feel like I have a lot to learn and will be very good at it someday.

I get paid regularly. $15/hour would be nice. My work makes a clear and positive difference on our domestic finances. My work also makes a clear and positive difference in either the functioning or the finances of the organization I am working for.

Most importantly, this job is the stepping stone to my future of lucrative, meaningful, enjoyable work. This is the place I make connections with people who can help me build a future of good deeds, personal successes and financial stability.

I'm going to write these things down on paper now.

I feel okay right now.

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